I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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