mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
