I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
