you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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