when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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