ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
