I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
