I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
