I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
