Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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