the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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