I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
be right there i have to get my cape
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
