then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
