he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
