everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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