my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
