I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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