life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
