Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
