i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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