you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
