I think scott just propositioned me for sex
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I CAN MOONWALK!
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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