you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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