i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
