I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
