He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
