party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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