Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
