Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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