I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
