How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
