How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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