just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
