beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
