Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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