sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
