Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
