Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
