At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
