I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
