I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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