he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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