So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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