someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
