i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
