my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
