im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize