Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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