Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
