I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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