before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
