bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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