There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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