someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
