when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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