I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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