So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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