i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You may now shotgun with the bride
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
